Dad
(My dad's latest email signature)
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Subterranean Burritos
Every Friday around noon, I get a hankerin' for a burrito. As soon as my hankerin' kicks in, my coworkers are informed immediately as I have the Id of a 2-year-old (they are also informed any time I am tired, hungry, or need to pee.) Occasionally, Anne will give me a few dollars so I can pick up a burrito for her too, and whooooomama, do I deliver! Originally, I'd drop it in a cardboard box I labeled BURRITO RECEPTACLE. This made me feel very clever for a few weeks, but slowly it lost its novelty, and eventually the hilarious box was lost underneath a pile of paper.
Luckily, I've always held pneumatic tubes in high esteem. Way high esteem. For example, let's say you're in the countryside, and you're drunk so you can't drive, and it's 3 in the morning and you just found $1,000 on the ground. Also your bank is holding a Special where they promise to match the value of any deposit you make, but the Special ends at 4am. Don't panic. Call me. I will drive out to pick you up and take you to your bank's ATM so we can use the pneumatic tube.
Even luckilier, Anne's heart also resonates with both the pneumatic tube frequency and the burrito-delivery frequency. So with the help of her husband, we designed and handcrafted this useful machine, which desk-to-desk delivery action. Anne Vanna Whites (was a proper noun; is now a verb!) below:
Burritos slide somewhat rapidly through this avant-garde pneumatic tube.
Hello, new coworker. I can see into your mind.
And this is what you are thinking about. A nineteenth century
subterranean pneumatic tube system.
You suspect we have one.
We can earn anywhere between -0.06 points and 100 points in a given day. For example, say on day 2, New Coworker says the word "pneumatic." There is no reason you need to use this word unless you've been considering pneumatic tubes. For this, we'd get 27 points, which is pretty good--however, it's on day 2, so we'd have to divide 27 by 2. If they didn't say "pneumatic" until day 20, we'd have to divide 27 by 20. Simple math. At the end of 35 days, we'll add up all of the points.
Our first new addition comes tomorrow. Look forward to early May 2009, when our 35 days to convince her are up! The coworker that awards us the most points wins a free burrito.
Luckily, I've always held pneumatic tubes in high esteem. Way high esteem. For example, let's say you're in the countryside, and you're drunk so you can't drive, and it's 3 in the morning and you just found $1,000 on the ground. Also your bank is holding a Special where they promise to match the value of any deposit you make, but the Special ends at 4am. Don't panic. Call me. I will drive out to pick you up and take you to your bank's ATM so we can use the pneumatic tube.
Even luckilier, Anne's heart also resonates with both the pneumatic tube frequency and the burrito-delivery frequency. So with the help of her husband, we designed and handcrafted this useful machine, which desk-to-desk delivery action. Anne Vanna Whites (was a proper noun; is now a verb!) below:
Burritos slide somewhat rapidly through this avant-garde pneumatic tube.Ahem. I just used 'avant-garde' and 'pneumatic tube' in the same sentence.
I'm not sure something like this could ever lose its novelty like the cardboard box did, but after several months of high satisfaction and bent burritos (the tube's corners are tight), we've still decided to upgrade. Actually, no. But we're giving the illusion of upgrading.
You see, we read this article in BoingBoing and went straight from joking about having a subterranean pneumatic tube system to planning exactly how to make one. Considering our original model relied completely on gravity, we had to settle for an illusion rather than the real thing. But wait. I'm only like, 1/3rd of the way done with this blog post.
Because we're hiring 4 or 5 new people over the course of the next few months. So, Anne and I are going to see how many new coworkers we can convince that our burrito delivery tube is subterranean. One half of the existing tube will go directly into the floor in her office. The other half will protrude vertically out of my desk. Each end will be secured with what looks like a gasket, and each end will have a nearby matching keypad controller. We'll "use" it occasionally, but otherwise won't mention it. Instead, we will monitor each new coworker's suspicion levels.
You see, we read this article in BoingBoing and went straight from joking about having a subterranean pneumatic tube system to planning exactly how to make one. Considering our original model relied completely on gravity, we had to settle for an illusion rather than the real thing. But wait. I'm only like, 1/3rd of the way done with this blog post.
Because we're hiring 4 or 5 new people over the course of the next few months. So, Anne and I are going to see how many new coworkers we can convince that our burrito delivery tube is subterranean. One half of the existing tube will go directly into the floor in her office. The other half will protrude vertically out of my desk. Each end will be secured with what looks like a gasket, and each end will have a nearby matching keypad controller. We'll "use" it occasionally, but otherwise won't mention it. Instead, we will monitor each new coworker's suspicion levels.
Hello, new coworker. I can see into your mind.And this is what you are thinking about. A nineteenth century
subterranean pneumatic tube system.
You suspect we have one.
I made a formula and a scorecard, and then I made 15 copies. We will plot the number of days since the date of hire on the x-axis (tip: always use the x-axis for time) and the level of suspicion that we use a subterranean system on the y-axis. Each suspicion indicator on the y-axis is given a value between 0 and 100 points, and we'll collect data points for 35 days, because that's how many squares were on this graph paper image I downloaded from the internet:
We can earn anywhere between -0.06 points and 100 points in a given day. For example, say on day 2, New Coworker says the word "pneumatic." There is no reason you need to use this word unless you've been considering pneumatic tubes. For this, we'd get 27 points, which is pretty good--however, it's on day 2, so we'd have to divide 27 by 2. If they didn't say "pneumatic" until day 20, we'd have to divide 27 by 20. Simple math. At the end of 35 days, we'll add up all of the points.Our first new addition comes tomorrow. Look forward to early May 2009, when our 35 days to convince her are up! The coworker that awards us the most points wins a free burrito.
Bun's new blog
My sister, one of the only people that can make me laugh out loud while I'm alone, in public, about something she did years ago, just started a blog...
...and then I found a tambourine.
Mighty fine tambourine you found there.
...and then I found a tambourine.
Mighty fine tambourine you found there.Wednesday, February 18, 2009
I will be able to care for tiny eyeglasses
Mladen and I bought the same species of glasses a few months ago, and they sleep here together every night. I'm expecting a litter any day now.
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