Thursday, November 19, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Halloween costume ideas
I wrote this for Winona's blog yesterday. I am hoping guest blogging is like open adoption, because I'd like this post to spend some time on Daddy Likey and with me*.
Idea #1: Smart Deer
Imagine you are a smart deer and you have a gift certificate to Home Depot. What would you buy? Probably an ORANGE SAFETY VEST.
To protect yourself during hunting season, make yourself a set of ears by cutting out two paper deer ears and taping them to a headband. If you want to be a man-deer, I saw about 300 sets of headband antlers hanging in the Dollar Store’s Christmas section last weekend. There was a tuft of white tinsel glued around the antlers, which is a huuuuge bonus because you can peel it off and use it as part of your tail. Otherwise, cut out a paper tail, and if you feel ambitious, two hooves you can tape to black shoes. Wear any brown leggings or pants and a shirt, and then put on your safety vest.
Idea #2: Electric Eel
I went on a caving trip with a tour group, and when we stopped for lunch, the tour guide introduced us to his favorite eel. The eel lived under a rock in the river next to our picnicking site, so I fed him a piece of ham. He hissed at me, and then ate the whole thing in 1 bite. This is when I learned eels were sassy and fun. To turn yourself into a sassy, fun eel for Halloween, you’ll need shiny black clothes and a blue glow-necklace. If you already own shiny black leggings or anything that is capable of producing an electric shock, you are not allowed to choose any of the other 4 costume ideas, because you are destined to be an electric eel.
After you’re in your shiniest, blackest, sleekest outfit, activate and then unsnap a blue glow necklace. Use clear packing tape to secure it down the length of your back. If you can’t find a necklace, use a line of blue glow sticks. This costume is best for parties in dark, carpeted rooms, where you'll glow best and you can rub your feet on the floor to shock people with static electricity. A snack of ham is encouraged, but not required.
Idea #3: Optical Illusion
Wear every single one of your black-and-white checked and striped pieces of clothing in confusing layers. Swaying back and forth and vaguely hooo-ing at people is a guaranteed optical treat.
Idea #4: Tanning Bed
Extend your arms straight ahead and watch how many people jump in for a tan! You'll need purple glow sticks, an instant therma-pack or 2, and a bottle of dark brown liquid foundation. Wear a neutral color, and then use clear packing tape to line your arms, chest, and stomach with as many purple glow sticks to achieve the true density of UV lighting in a tanning bed. If you're going to be outside, slip a thermal pack under your shirt for a warmer, more realistic tanning experience. After people are done, offer to spread a little color on their skin.
Idea #5: ½ Baby Boa Constrictor, ½ Blood Pressure Cuff
Baby boa constrictors and blood pressure cuffs squeeze people's arms with the exact same intensity and speed. Illustrating this fact with a Venn Diagram is nice, but turning it into your costume is a huge statement. Recommended for people who are comfortable squeezing other people's biceps throughout the night.
Find 1 long green sock, 1 white mitten, some googly eyes, a turkey baster and a nice sturdy piece of string or tubing. Make yourself a little bracelet with the string, and leave 5-6 inches hanging off the end. Cut the bulb of the turkey baster off of its basting stick, and attach it to the end of the string like it's a beautiful charm. Slide your white mitten on over your hand and wrist and it's a blood pressure cuff! Put the googly eyes on the non-palm side of your green sock, and put this on the other hand. Now ask people to close their eyes and guess what is squeezing their arm-- a baby boa or a blood pressure monitor? Tally the results!
*DaddyLikey is such an appropriate name for a joke that blends blogs and families.
Idea #1: Smart Deer
Imagine you are a smart deer and you have a gift certificate to Home Depot. What would you buy? Probably an ORANGE SAFETY VEST.
To protect yourself during hunting season, make yourself a set of ears by cutting out two paper deer ears and taping them to a headband. If you want to be a man-deer, I saw about 300 sets of headband antlers hanging in the Dollar Store’s Christmas section last weekend. There was a tuft of white tinsel glued around the antlers, which is a huuuuge bonus because you can peel it off and use it as part of your tail. Otherwise, cut out a paper tail, and if you feel ambitious, two hooves you can tape to black shoes. Wear any brown leggings or pants and a shirt, and then put on your safety vest.
Idea #2: Electric Eel
I went on a caving trip with a tour group, and when we stopped for lunch, the tour guide introduced us to his favorite eel. The eel lived under a rock in the river next to our picnicking site, so I fed him a piece of ham. He hissed at me, and then ate the whole thing in 1 bite. This is when I learned eels were sassy and fun. To turn yourself into a sassy, fun eel for Halloween, you’ll need shiny black clothes and a blue glow-necklace. If you already own shiny black leggings or anything that is capable of producing an electric shock, you are not allowed to choose any of the other 4 costume ideas, because you are destined to be an electric eel.
After you’re in your shiniest, blackest, sleekest outfit, activate and then unsnap a blue glow necklace. Use clear packing tape to secure it down the length of your back. If you can’t find a necklace, use a line of blue glow sticks. This costume is best for parties in dark, carpeted rooms, where you'll glow best and you can rub your feet on the floor to shock people with static electricity. A snack of ham is encouraged, but not required.
Idea #3: Optical Illusion
Wear every single one of your black-and-white checked and striped pieces of clothing in confusing layers. Swaying back and forth and vaguely hooo-ing at people is a guaranteed optical treat.
Idea #4: Tanning Bed
Extend your arms straight ahead and watch how many people jump in for a tan! You'll need purple glow sticks, an instant therma-pack or 2, and a bottle of dark brown liquid foundation. Wear a neutral color, and then use clear packing tape to line your arms, chest, and stomach with as many purple glow sticks to achieve the true density of UV lighting in a tanning bed. If you're going to be outside, slip a thermal pack under your shirt for a warmer, more realistic tanning experience. After people are done, offer to spread a little color on their skin.
Idea #5: ½ Baby Boa Constrictor, ½ Blood Pressure Cuff
Baby boa constrictors and blood pressure cuffs squeeze people's arms with the exact same intensity and speed. Illustrating this fact with a Venn Diagram is nice, but turning it into your costume is a huge statement. Recommended for people who are comfortable squeezing other people's biceps throughout the night.
Find 1 long green sock, 1 white mitten, some googly eyes, a turkey baster and a nice sturdy piece of string or tubing. Make yourself a little bracelet with the string, and leave 5-6 inches hanging off the end. Cut the bulb of the turkey baster off of its basting stick, and attach it to the end of the string like it's a beautiful charm. Slide your white mitten on over your hand and wrist and it's a blood pressure cuff! Put the googly eyes on the non-palm side of your green sock, and put this on the other hand. Now ask people to close their eyes and guess what is squeezing their arm-- a baby boa or a blood pressure monitor? Tally the results!
*DaddyLikey is such an appropriate name for a joke that blends blogs and families.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Salmon Challenge
2005 was a big year for bagels. I just kept on making them. I earned about $100 a month and spent most of my time avoiding studying for P-chem, so in order to feel both economical and productive, I bought flour in bulk and made a dozen mini-bagels twice a week.
Meanwhile, Scott was majoring in computer engineering, and he was producing homemade alarm clocks and radios at about the same rate I was producing bagels (assuming the ol' 12 mini-bagels = 0.1 alarm clock standard conversion rate.)
Anyway, a few months into the rapid bagel/radio genesis, Rachel says, "oh my god, you guys can make anything. Fine. The first person to MAKE A SALMON wins."
I thought that was very funny for exactly 4 years, because I just found this article: Controversial Salmon-Cooker.
I cannot believe it. You can make a salmon. Rachel's last email to me said: "I am so mad you didn't invent this."
First person to try it wins.
Meanwhile, Scott was majoring in computer engineering, and he was producing homemade alarm clocks and radios at about the same rate I was producing bagels (assuming the ol' 12 mini-bagels = 0.1 alarm clock standard conversion rate.)
Anyway, a few months into the rapid bagel/radio genesis, Rachel says, "oh my god, you guys can make anything. Fine. The first person to MAKE A SALMON wins."
I thought that was very funny for exactly 4 years, because I just found this article: Controversial Salmon-Cooker.
I cannot believe it. You can make a salmon. Rachel's last email to me said: "I am so mad you didn't invent this."
First person to try it wins.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
There are always 2 spiders in my house: A Q-n-A with Alec Kretchun, Entymologist
Hi Alec,
I have an entymology question for you. I'm sorry if this is akin (I just said akin!) to people asking me questions about cougar leg lengths (because clearly, biochemistry major=biology knowledge=animal expert), but I thought I'd give it a shot because I'm afraid to use google to find out. The three images that might pop up automatically these days with web searches could be terrifying.
So, about 3 months ago, I walked into my bathroom and saw a huge black spider. I'm not sure anyone afraid of spiders has ever described one as "tiny" or "appropriately-sized," but this one really was large, and when it's clinging to a bright white bathroom wall, it's magnified. Anyway, I bug-vacuumed it outside, and after lots of rationalizing and hyperventilating, I decided I could stop being paranoid that 1 spider= many hidden spiders. Then, 5-7 minutes later, I open the shower curtain and THERE'S ANOTHER ONE.
My rational, calm bug voice was wrong and it felt exactly like questioning the existence of God for the first time. I would have gotten over it within the next year, but last Thursday, the exact same sequence of events happened again. Casual spider panic--> rational calming phase --> spider behind the shower curtain --> paradigm shift 2.
This is the entymology question part. Am I ruining spiders' honeymoons? Is my bathroom a Sandals for spiders? Why do they always come in twos? Do Oregon spiders mate indoors in the summer? Can you understand why I'm afraid to google this?
Meg
Why hello Meg-
Well I consulted both Jeff Daniels AND John Goodman, and our consensus falls pretty well in line with current academic arachnological thought on the subject - light it on fire and shoot with a nail gun.
No, the reason you're finding them in twos is closer to your Sandals theory than you would have thought, except everyone knows spiders care about the indigenous economy way more than anyone who would ever go to Sandals. They're coming inside to mate. Spiders come inside only for a few reasons - mate, nest, lay their eggs. I'm sure that was literally the least comforting thing anyone has ever said to you, but don't worry, they really don't want to be there. I'm sure they live in the garden outside your apt and just got lost while looking for a place to satisfy one of the above needs. And before you ask, I wouldn't worry about a seething nest of spider eggs hidden somewhere in your apartment like in Aliens with all the bodies encased in goo. They want to be outside, so they usually lay their eggs there.
Usually in the summer you see a lot more adults, because that's when they're out trying to pick up lady spiders. They'll overwinter someplace nice and warm (not your apartment cause spiders, unlike us civilized folk, cannot survive off fine crafted Oregon microbrews), and the babies will hatch in the Spring. Its the ciiiiircle of liiiiiiIIIIIiiiiiifffeee. Anyways, hope that helps a little. Spiders aren't really my thing, so for all I know by the time you receive this you could have been forced into slavery by your new 8-legged overlords, but I wouldn't sweat it.
-Alec
I have an entymology question for you. I'm sorry if this is akin (I just said akin!) to people asking me questions about cougar leg lengths (because clearly, biochemistry major=biology knowledge=animal expert), but I thought I'd give it a shot because I'm afraid to use google to find out. The three images that might pop up automatically these days with web searches could be terrifying.
So, about 3 months ago, I walked into my bathroom and saw a huge black spider. I'm not sure anyone afraid of spiders has ever described one as "tiny" or "appropriately-sized," but this one really was large, and when it's clinging to a bright white bathroom wall, it's magnified. Anyway, I bug-vacuumed it outside, and after lots of rationalizing and hyperventilating, I decided I could stop being paranoid that 1 spider= many hidden spiders. Then, 5-7 minutes later, I open the shower curtain and THERE'S ANOTHER ONE.
My rational, calm bug voice was wrong and it felt exactly like questioning the existence of God for the first time. I would have gotten over it within the next year, but last Thursday, the exact same sequence of events happened again. Casual spider panic--> rational calming phase --> spider behind the shower curtain --> paradigm shift 2.
This is the entymology question part. Am I ruining spiders' honeymoons? Is my bathroom a Sandals for spiders? Why do they always come in twos? Do Oregon spiders mate indoors in the summer? Can you understand why I'm afraid to google this?
Meg
Why hello Meg-
Well I consulted both Jeff Daniels AND John Goodman, and our consensus falls pretty well in line with current academic arachnological thought on the subject - light it on fire and shoot with a nail gun.
No, the reason you're finding them in twos is closer to your Sandals theory than you would have thought, except everyone knows spiders care about the indigenous economy way more than anyone who would ever go to Sandals. They're coming inside to mate. Spiders come inside only for a few reasons - mate, nest, lay their eggs. I'm sure that was literally the least comforting thing anyone has ever said to you, but don't worry, they really don't want to be there. I'm sure they live in the garden outside your apt and just got lost while looking for a place to satisfy one of the above needs. And before you ask, I wouldn't worry about a seething nest of spider eggs hidden somewhere in your apartment like in Aliens with all the bodies encased in goo. They want to be outside, so they usually lay their eggs there.
Usually in the summer you see a lot more adults, because that's when they're out trying to pick up lady spiders. They'll overwinter someplace nice and warm (not your apartment cause spiders, unlike us civilized folk, cannot survive off fine crafted Oregon microbrews), and the babies will hatch in the Spring. Its the ciiiiircle of liiiiiiIIIIIiiiiiifffeee. Anyways, hope that helps a little. Spiders aren't really my thing, so for all I know by the time you receive this you could have been forced into slavery by your new 8-legged overlords, but I wouldn't sweat it.
-Alec
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
FASHION BUS BEEEP BEEEP.
I enjoy fashion about as much as I love parking tickets, which is a little tiny bit. (I like the little envelope that comes with the ticket, and I get mild satisfaction out of writing a checks with good penmanship.)
However, I love Tavi's fashion blog about as much as I love hazelnut beer and waterproof things, which is A LOT BIT. She's only 12!
However, I love Tavi's fashion blog about as much as I love hazelnut beer and waterproof things, which is A LOT BIT. She's only 12!
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